Steamy HOA Poop!

I promise you, I absolutely promise you I have tried to avoid writing about this story. It first popped up about three years ago, and is so far outside the realm of common sense that I haven’t wanted to damage my own credibility by retelling it.

Still, more and more HOAs around the country are turning to DNA analysis to find out whose dog is pooping on whose lawn.

No, really.

There’s nothing that drives an HOA board member nuttier than seeing someone else’s dog squat on an unapproved lawn. And technology has made it cheaper for an HOA to actually trace a dog dump.

Remember the days of OJ Simpson when a DNA test took eight weeks and cost about fifty thousand dollars? These days you can get an overnight DNA test for about eighty bucks. Which brings up HOAs like the one in Austin, that now require all dog owners to have their pets “registered.” I guess that means a doggie cheek swab? I don’t know for sure, but it’s a sure fire way of getting even with a next door neighbor who keeps walking his dog past your mailbox.

If you see an unauthorized poop, you can now grab a spoonful and send it to the HOA’s lab. A few hours later, you have enough evidence to go bash in your neighbor’s door.

Life is grand, isn’t it?

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Ward Lucas is a longtime investigative journalist and television news anchor. He has won more than 70 national and regional awards for Excellence in Journalism, Creative Writing and community involvement. His new book, "Neighbors At War: the Creepy Case Against Your Homeowners Association," is now available for purchase. In it, he discusses the American homeowners association movement, from its racist origins, to its transformation into a lucrative money machine for the nation's legal industry. From scams to outright violence to foreclosures and neighborhood collapses across the country, the reader will find this book enormously compelling and a necessary read for every homeowner. Knowledge is self-defense. No homeowner contemplating life in an HOA should neglect reading this book. No HOA board officer should overlook this examination of the pitfalls in HOA management. And no lawyer representing either side in an HOA dispute should gloss over what homeowners are saying or believing about the lawsuit industry.

2 thoughts on “Steamy HOA Poop!

  1. Courtney

    Wouldn’t it just be simpler to institute a rule saying the HOA members must pick up after their dogs or fines will be levied? Because it stands to reason that if you recognize the dog, you recognize the person walking the dog and can therefore point out the guilty party.


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