The God of Poop!

Poop. Feces. Droppings. Excrement. Cow pies. Dung. Guano. Meadow Muffin. Stool.

Do you realize that humans have hundreds and hundreds of different words for this little bit of matter that is so disgusting to us? It’s almost as if we worship it. Who invented such awful substance? God did. It’s the ultimate recylable material. And you would be stunned to know that every speck of this stuff, depending upon which species deposited it, has an entire ecosystem which depends on getting a steady supply.

Next time you visit the Gulf Coast or the Caribbean and you stretch out on those warm white sands just remind yourself that 70 percent of that white sand was once pooped out by parrot fish. Each parrot fish poops out about 200 pounds of white sand a year! Look it up!

On the other side of the coin, at least a thousand Homeowners Associations are now running madly through their neighborhoods collecting DNA samples from every dog in the hood, and sending each harvested dog pile to the lab to be matched to the offending pooch. The owner then gets a fine of say, $500 per pile. Someone more clever than I might come up with a good name for a new TV reality show. “CSI Poopami,” or possibly, “PoopNet-HOA.”

Now, I’m a dog owner. I carry all the appropriate plastic bags and gloves because I want to be a good neighbor. At the same time I find all this poop hysteria to be hysterically stupid.

All it would take to thwart the system is to organize a neighborhood Poop Brigade to collect hundreds of samples and dump them all on the HOA president’s lawn. Let him pay the fines.

BTW, if you do that, definitely send me pictures that I can publish!

(latest poop from the Seattle P.I.)


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Ward Lucas is a longtime investigative journalist and television news anchor. He has won more than 70 national and regional awards for Excellence in Journalism, Creative Writing and community involvement. His new book, "Neighbors At War: the Creepy Case Against Your Homeowners Association," is now available for purchase. In it, he discusses the American homeowners association movement, from its racist origins, to its transformation into a lucrative money machine for the nation's legal industry. From scams to outright violence to foreclosures and neighborhood collapses across the country, the reader will find this book enormously compelling and a necessary read for every homeowner. Knowledge is self-defense. No homeowner contemplating life in an HOA should neglect reading this book. No HOA board officer should overlook this examination of the pitfalls in HOA management. And no lawyer representing either side in an HOA dispute should gloss over what homeowners are saying or believing about the lawsuit industry.

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