Category Archives: Humor

The Straight Poop

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The Gates of Allen Station, shame, shame on you.

Yes, folks, another Texas Homeowners Association is taking the idiotic and pathetic step of DNA testing all dogs in the neighborhood. Swab your doggie’s cheeks, submit the DNA sample to your HOA. That swab goes to the lab and your pooch is branded for life. Now, if your dog brands the lawn of the HOA president or a board member, the feces fits the crime, the owner gets the fine. The thought of HOA officials dropping to their hands and knees and probing poops with thermometers and scoops just defies the imagination. The HOA claims it’s a way of stopping canine terrorists from messing up the neighborhood.

Well, frankly folks, it’s just another way of wrecking a nice neighborhood by turning neighbor against neighbor. First of all, who’s motivated to institute such a practice? It costs a couple hundred bucks per pooch per swab. And the owner of each defiling dog is fined hundreds of dollars. That money is going into someone’s pocket. It’s a real revenue generator.

But second, it won’t work. Once homeowners start getting angry at being fined, they’re going to start collecting poop from all over and tossing it onto the board president’s lawn. He’s going to get innundated. Of course, he’ll submit hundreds of different DNA samples from the hundreds of brown spots in the front yard. And of course, he’ll charge thousands and thousands of dollars in lab costs to the HOA’s ‘secret’ reimbursement budget. The homeowners will be assessed, of course. Everybody will hate everybody, the president’s house will really get bombed now.

When people get stupid, stupid things happen.

(click here for Dallas dog story)

 

Some Non-HOA Hilarity

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Taking a radical departure from the regular topic in this blog, here’s a little humorous offering from comedian Tim Hawkins. He has a music degree and has played in Carnegie Hall. He uses his guitar to poke fun at institutions and conditions of life. In this bit he pokes wonderful fun at those of us who are getting older:

(link to Tim Hawkins concert)

Now, if we could just get Tim Hawkins to write a series of HOA songs!

 

Drones Over Your Neighborhood

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For several years, now, I’ve been predicting that the goons who run many of the nation’s Homeowners Associations would begin using drones to spy on neighbors to spot violations of the neighborhood covenants. If these people are capable of embezzling millions of dollars, would they not be capable of incredible invasions of privacy?

Now, with camera-bearing drones available for less than a thousand bucks, there’s no doubt they’ll soon be in the skies and peeking at activities in your backyard.

HOAs are private non-profit corporations and despite their apparent  presence as governmental agencies, they are not. They are private investment clubs. When you buy into an HOA you’re not buying a home. You’re buying shares of stock. You own a percentage of each of your neighbors’ homes. All your neighbors own a share of your home. That’s what gives an HOA the power to regulate and control your activities as a resident. It also puts the Homeowners Association outside the control of the U.S. Constitution’s Bill of Rights.

If you think you have a right to privacy, you’re wrong.

If you think you have a right to consider your home, your papers as your private belongings not under the control of ‘government,’ you’re wrong.

If you think you have a right to own a weapon under the protections of the Second Amendment, you’re wrong.

As funny as the story linked below seems, there’s a reason to be dismayed. Spy drones are being used for private purposes. And sooner or later there’ll be one over your house.

(link to drones used by pot thieves)

Footnote: I once spent a day in a DEA plane looking for marijuana crops in the Rocky Mountains. Believe me, pot plants are slightly warmer than most surrounding vegetation. Through an infra-red camera they stand out like a sore thumb. You can’t even hide a single pot plant in a 100 acre cornfield. 

Murdered By Swans, HOA Sued

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I’m not sure how far this lawsuit will go, but homeowners in this HOA will end up with special assessments to pay all the lawyers.

Have you ever heard of someone being murdered by swans? Me neither. But according to this Illinois lawsuit mute swans are capable of breaking a man’s leg. That probably makes them as dangerous as a vicious dog. And we all know that HOAs which use vicious dogs in their common areas are not immune to lawsuits.

Don’t count me as a skeptic on this one. I vividly remember being attacked by a vicious goose in the Quadrangle at Fort Sam Houston when I was just ten or eleven years old. My younger brother and I were both attacked and injured and it’s given me a lifelong fear of certain angry birds.  So believe me that large birds won’t hesitate at taking on a human. And even though I love animals, I get a special kind of glee roasting and serving certain birds on holidays.

Maybe this lawsuit will be tossed out of court because it’s frivolous. Maybe that won’t happen until the lawyers make a few hundred thousand bucks in legal fees. In the end, though, the homeowners will get pummeled. And these angry birds will get away with murder.

Count on it.

(link to murderous swans)

 

Who’d Have Ever Thought?

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Yes, folks. Some home sellers know exactly how to market their properties! The photo is a bit blurry. But the second panel is what’ll get this guy the highest possible price: “No Homeowners Association.”no HOA