All you have to say to a New Yorker is the word, “Denver,” and they laugh.
Denver is a perennial punchline in the Big Apple. But we certainly do give them more than enough ammunition for their wicked humor.
A Denver bank robber was arrested within five hours of his crime. Yeah, this guy certainly should be considered a candidate for the annual Darwin Award.
He wore his nametag, John David Martinez, on his shirt. And his getaway car, a silver Honda sedan was registered in his name.
I’m still doing research, but I wondered if he could possibly be a board member in his Homeowners Association?
“Lawyers representing the HOA and Banyan Property Management said in a statement that they are trying to verify the medical conditions of the Halpern children as well as to verify whether Wilbur qualifies as a service or emotional support animal.”
This comment really disturbs me. Why is it okay for the HOA and property manager’s attorneys to delve into the medical conditions of these children? That’s what we have pediatricians for!!! And what happened to privacy policies regarding medical records? Exactly where is the stopping point for HOAs when it comes to invading your life and privacy?
One child has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and both have ADHD. Wilbur is part of their therapy. He calms them. But he sure does not calm the board at Cypress Woods! They want the family’s pet pot-bellied pig out!
It’s been many years now since pot-bellied pigs first became family pets. I remember calling on some clients who had two of them. Those pigs were so smart and did the funniest things! I certainly learned from that experience they can be entertaining and loving animals and just as trainable as a dog.
Do these HOAs really think they only have cats and dogs living inside their communities? Are they ignorant enough to think people don’t have snakes, reptiles, and birds…and who knows what other living creatures inside the four walls of their homes? I would much prefer a pot-bellied pig next door than to have a snake get out of it’s cage and crawl up into our adjoined attic! And I’d be fine with some chickens as long as there are no roosters… especially if the neighbors shared some eggs once in awhile.
Nobody has stated how Wilbur is disturbing the neighbors. Or is he disturbing anybody other than the board members? Has he chewed up the HOA’s flower beds? Does he go wild when the neighbors are frying their breakfast bacon? What exactly is he doing that is causing such a ruckus? Or is it just a matter of the HOA having rules that don’t exclude pot-bellied pigs? Mrs. Halpern was trying so hard not to break the rules. I guess she just hasn’t learned yet that she can be fined for wearing the wrong color eye-shadow to the HOA meeting if the board decides to fine her! HOAs have literally become about that ridiculous!
I wish the Halpern’s the best in their battle to save Wilbur, so I signed the petition in hopes it will help. Their boys love Wilbur and he’s well-cared for so that should be all that matters!
I swear, I’ve gotta quit doing stories about outrageous treatment of the American Flag, there are just too many of them. I could get stuck doing 12 or 15 stories a day. Still, I feel duty-bound to at least occasionally tell you when the latest cretin is pushing around his weight after having been given new power over other homeowners.
The latest victim of a flag outrage is a retired veteran named Larry Murphree of the Tides Condominium at Sweetwater, Jacksonville, Florida. It’s actually just a small flag that he placed in a flower pot on his porch. You can barely see it. It’s sticking in the flowerpot behind the right porch rail in the photo below. He’s been fined $8000 before and he got it settled in court.
After his court victory, Larry replaced the flag. And once again he’s being sued for $8000 and confiscation of his home. Here’s a very tight shot to show you a real good closeup of this tiny flag.
“It’s worth fighting for,” says Larry. “It’s a small flag but it stands for a big thank you and it shows the love and respect I have for my country.”
Larry, a little advice here from someone who knows. It’s not about the flag. It’s about a brain chemical called Oxytocin. If you don’t know about it look it up. When a chimpanzee of either sex is placed in a cage with a bunch of other chimps at the zoo, there’s an immediate disturbance. The new chimp races around the enclosure showing off his or her ‘equipment’, spraying the cage, making other chimps a little frightful of his or her prowess. Jane Goodall spent a lifetime studying this kind of behavior in all kinds of primates.
Larry, you’re being victimized by a new board member who thinks his or her virility is a little more chemically tinged than yours. Or maybe this board member wants you to think his or her influence among the weaker members of the tribe will carry more weight on the evolutionary scale. Whether you’re an evolutionist or not, you cannot deny that chimpanzees share approximately 96% percent of their DNA with humans. They (and orangutans) are our closest relatives. In so many ways, they’re a lot like us and we can learn from them. Your flag fight is not about patriotism. It’s about simianism. It’s about oxytocin. It’s about sex.
All science aside, there’s perhaps a bit of usable truth here. Spread this blog far and wide around the Tides At Sweetwater condominium complex. Without putting yourself in a slander trap, figure out which tiny dickensonian creature has been causing you all this misery. The good women of the Tides at Sweetwater know that as a veteran you probably came from good genetic stock. They’ll respect you. Then gather the whole community’s support as they publicly and visibly show this ‘little’ simian how ‘little’ they think your challenger’s virility really is. Each hour of each day when those community members greet that simian they should hold up their fingers about one inch apart. It’s just a guess. Just to show how much that person is regarded in the community.
Most journalists won’t tell you all of this. But since I know a little about science I will.
While I honestly believe the approaching mortgage and housing collapse will be the biggest in our history, I still respect well-written satire of economic fatalists like me.
Yes, China might someday be the biggest holder of American homeowner debt, but in the meantime I’ll always be able to smile at such wonderful prose:
You know, you’ve gotta start feeling a little sorry for Las Vegas crime boss Leon Benzer right about now. Gosh, dang! Another four of his co-conspirators have now pleaded guilty to charges of racketeering and conspiring to steal massive amounts of money from Las Vegas homeowners. But Bobo Benzer hasn’t been able to keep his organized crime mob together. Gone are the days when a spaghetti-eating garlic-spitter could fire a .32 shell into the face of an adversary to shut him up. These days, you just can’t get good help.
Benzer is now just one of a tiny handful of crooks still accused of decimating Homeowners Associations in the Valley by putting ‘straw men’ into office as HOA board members and voting to divert millions of dollars in insurance mitigation work to his minions of willing wonks. (Actually, I was going to say ‘Wops’ but thought better of it. Besides, his name is Benzer, not Benzini). Sure, the first handful of people fingered in the HOA investigation ‘committed suicide.’ But in the old days a suicide really meant something, didn’t it? Suicide was a rite of passage, an honor befitting a snitch’s snitch. One couldn’t be an effective Capo without a few suicides scattered here and there around the landscape.
But, dang! Every time a ‘suicide’ happened in the feds’ Las Vegas HOA investigation, more rats started squealing. This wasn’t just a few rodents trying to find a wooden plank, this was swarms of rats diving off the decks of the Titanic.
Yep, it must be a lonesome time for Leon Benzer. Poor Babee!
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